Well its 2012, and I’ve officially joined the ranks of the workshy. Nothing like knowing you are even more of a worthless drain on scarce resources. So anyway, dare I tell anyone its actually a massive relief, my job wasn’t helping with my mental health to say the least.
The only problem is now I have to start applying for other soul crushing spirit sapping jobs to appease the goon squad at the jobcentre plus (and if anyone can tell me why the e goes after the r in centre… well don’t because it annoys this dyslexic immensely, its undoubtedly the fault of those dastards the French)
I’m applying for a job exactly like the one I had before, the only problem being it is exactly like the one I had before. But hey the pay is better, and I can’t imagine the possibility that the working enviroment could be worse, its a 30 second walk from my flat and is 9 to 5. So basically I’ll get a full 45 minutes extra in bed! its also only covering a maternity leave so after the time is up I can actually go and do what I’ve been pussyfooting around doing for some time and move down south.
As of today I have also (extremely tentatively) given up alcohol, I’m writing it here in an effort to keep that a secret mainly because there is nothing worse than people nagging you about it to make you drink a lake of whiskey. (ergo if anyone actually reads this please don’t mention it to me at all)
My reasoning, that as a drinker, its important to make sure you get more from booze than it gets of you, and lately, having overdone it seriously about 3 times since new year, I haven’t been enjoying it so much. Probably because my brain is getting a telegram from my liver saying its under concerted attack and will surrender shortly unless it rapidly receives reinforcements. So then, I don’t know whether this is for a week, or a month, or till after Easter (it’d be good to give it up for lent) or well, one day at a time.
Other news? well, I’ve stopped taking the happy pills because they weren’t working, not sure whether to go back to the doctor and get a different lot to try… I’ve also been going to CBT therapy. The latter, I’m only going to because it seems its the only type of therapy you can get on the NHS without being sectioned. I’ve come to the conclusion that CBT might actually be a little bit psychotic.
My thinking on that is that basically CBT is an attempt to get the patient to do the things they did that made them happy when they weren’t depressed in order to cease to be depressed. But there are plenty of problems with that approach mainly that there are psychological reasons why these activities have ceased. Its like playing forcibly cheerful music to an emo, it’ll push them over the edge.
It will never deal with the root cause of the depression either, it is about managing the circumstantial and superficial things. Now whilst those are the things that can actually be tackled, sometimes it is like putting sticking a plaster on a broken arm, there is stuff going on a bit deeper that needs to be dealt with otherwise you really are forever treating the symptoms rather than the disease.
So yes, I think I might endeavor to get some psychodynamic (psychoanalytic) psychotherapy (lol) hopefully on the NHS but perhaps go private (thank s to leeching off my parents).
I’ve also just finished watching all 8 series of Red Dwarf, pretty consistently funny too although I’m basically Lister… and I’ve just finished reading The Three Musketeers on the kindle I got for Christmas (which is a thing of beauty) I’m basically going through all the books you can get on it for free (or virtually free) trying to get round to some of the books I really should have read but haven’t.
The Three Musketeers was quite a good ripping yarn, but the climax is really quite shocking really, I’m not sure whether its misogynistic with the baddie being a woman and all the goodies being men… there is plenty of womanising which doesn’t get criticised but a woman seducing men for her evil schemes must clearly be the height of evil… hmmmm but it is still a good book, written in a time when books were supposed to be entertaining, not an exercise in flagellation (yes I’m looking at you Dickins!)
Maybe I should say something about Catholicism lol. My priest seems to think that if I give money to the Church I’ll become rich… which basically is prosperity gospel… which is HERESY. Jesus didn’t fall for that, in the parable of the Widow’s mite he didn’t say that she would suddenly be showered with gifts by the world and his wife. Her gift was the biggest because of the complete poverty that she lived in.
Where has the Christian understanding of suffering, or indeed of poverty gone to these days? Its fine to talk about financial austerity bringing people back to God (not that I think it is or does) but if you have no understanding of suffering especially money related suffering you are just as mad as the world which says that materialism will make you happy.
The fact is money doesn’t magically appear in my bank account, any zealous generosity I make I will in turn have to leech off my parents when the Rent and Bill demons come a’ knocking. So if my priest would lay off it would be grand.
In other parish priest related news him and the vocations director for my diocese also seem to think I should become a seminarian. HA LOL if they had any idea of the turmoil my life is in, the monumental unsuitability of me to the priesthood then hopefully they’d lay off but I wouldn’t tell them half of what I blab on about here never mind the things I don’t even talk about here.
Well I should sign off, I appologise for the stream of consciousness style of this post, but its just good to be back blogging again. Now its 2:50am! I now have to find something else productive to do with the hours insomnia dictates I keep my eyes open.