Blogging a dead horse.

Well, its been a while again, I feel the need to get back on the horse so to speak.

The news has been so horrifying of late. There is no doubt that the Woolwich attack achieved its aim of terrifying and horrifying us all, well it certainly did me. It just goes to show that people can be capable of truly horrific things and can justify these horrors to themselves given a warped enough worldview. One is left wondering what was the first error that they accepted on their intellectual path towards terrorism? Is Islam to blame? I hope not, there are lots of Muslims out there who are perfectly decent people.

Maybe Anders Breivik sees himself as a perfectly good Christian as his deluded beliefs of being a Templar might indicate. But I don’t think anyone else would claim what he did was Christian. Sadly there are extremist clerics who think the Woolwich attack was justifiable under Islam. Are mainstream Muslims doing enough to tackle the extremists? Is that just as unfair a thing to ask as to say did Norwegian Christians not do enough to stop Anders Breivik? Its all very hard to say. But I do think there are some inherent problems within Islam that aren’t as bad in Christianity, because apart from when clearing the temple of money changers and peddlers (something Jesus may have done twice!) Jesus was a pacifist and Mohammed most certainly was not.

I mean we had Jesus to model our lives upon and we still ended up with the inquisition and the crusades. I’ve studied the crusades and the crusader states, they are fascinating, and were justified as wars of defense against Turkish aggression (whether that was true or not is another question, but this is how the crusaders justified it to themselves) and whilst the crusader states were impressively religiously tolerant, with much lower taxes than their Islamic neighbours, there is still no way you could argue they were pacifistic or that when they besieged towns and castles it didn’t invariably end in bloodbath. We look back at how Catholicism was used to justify war with distinct unease, and rightly so.

The EDL came out with loads of racist bullshit after this murder which is going to make talking about unregulated immigration that much harder without being labelled a racist if you don’t think its a good thing… I basically think that multiculturalism is only viable if there is integration. If we end up with apartheid and ghettos whether intentionally or unintentionally then something has gone seriously wrong and the consequences will not be good for immigrants or this country as a whole. Anyway this isn’t a circle that I’m going to square by rambling, so time to move on.

I’ve recently been trying to go back to my youth, I dug up my old N64 and a few games, and I’ve even bought a few off ebay. F-Zero-X, Snowboard Kids, Pilotwings and Forsaken. These to go with GoldenEye, Super Smash Bros, an F1 game, Mario Tennis and Perfect Dark that I already have. Yes retro gaming galore! It seems to me that games of the past were so vibrant and colourful and that the current obsession with grim and gritty is thoroughly boring! I am still an undisputed master of GoldenEye, the only person who ever beat me defeated me on the Facility level with grenade launchers… not exactly skillful, just pop off five shots in someone’s general direction and you’re bound to kill them in the ensuing torrent of fire.
Anyway yes, colourful happy games are what I want these days, games like Mariocart and DiddyKong racing! Pilotwings is so soothing too when you get the Daedalus wings and can spend all day swooping around a tiny island like any discerning birdman would, probably.

As I’m writing this I’m aware that its nearly 5am, and that this is now qualifying as self inflicted insomnia, a form of self harm that I fairly regularly indulge in and since I’m currently afflicted by a monstrous cold I can’t drink, which is the other form of self harm I regularly turn to. Yes as you can see I’m not a very healthy person at the moment, both physically and mentally. I am coming towards a decision in my life that is scary and difficult but the consequences for avoiding that decision are equally unpalatable. I desperately need people to pray for me at the moment.

I’m reticent of talking about this, even in a relatively anonymous blog. I don’t want my blog to become about my sexuality, but that is the issue that is causing me the trouble… I might have mentioned it before that I am bisexual, which with retrospect is a big non issue, especially in comparison to the fact that I am transsexual. My internal gender identity is female and I’ve been consciously aware of this for about two years now but it also makes sense of lots of past behaviour going back to a very early age.  To people who know me this will seem out of the blue. It really isn’t, its been something I’ve been hiding from the world at an enormous personal psychological cost for a very long time and its been a masterful deception, at times even fooling myself.

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t things about me that are masculine. I think the way I think, argue and sometimes behave are still quite masculine. But then again I don’t think gender identity is about what I wear or say or do and people who think it is are just imposing a restricted view of gender roles.

Maybe I should give a quick crash course? sex, gender identity, sexual orientation and sexual activity are all different things that may or may not be interrelated.

Sex is assigned at birth by nature. Gender identity is whether we feel male female or gender-neutral, sexual orientation is whether we fancy men, women, both or neither. Sexual activity should hopefully be obvious.

So you could have someone born a woman (sex) but perceives himself as male (gender identity) who is attracted to women (sexual orientation) but is married to a man who he has sex with (sexual activity). This is quite an unusual combination of things but certainly not beyond the realm of possibility.

Anyway yes my gender identity is female and I have a male body, and the ensuing cognitive dissonance that this brings on is called gender dysphoria, to which the only suggested treatment is hormone treatment and surgery. So do I go down this difficult path or do I spend the rest of my life in permanent depression? It is not an easy dilemma especially considering the suicide rate for transsexuals is staggeringly high at 40%, a disgustingly tragic proportion.

I have a lot of fears about transitioning. I don’t want to be sterilised, I don’t want to end up an ugly transsexual, I don’t know whether I have the strength to survive the abuse and prejudice that transsexuals face. But yes, my depression has severely disrupted my life, as of the last year and a half my life has effectively been on standby, I haven’t been able to function at all and if this is due to my gender dysphoria then every second I’m not pursuing treatment is a second wasted. My deepest fear is what if having a sex change doesn’t cure my depression, that maybe there is something fundamentally broken in my brain that cannot be fixed at which point I expect I probably would despair and become a danger to myself. So yes, please pray for me.

The last people who don’t know about my sexuality are my parish priest and my fellow altar servers, I just don’t know how to break it to them. If I get anything less than total acceptance I go into complete meltdown that takes me weeks to recover from. So if anyone wants to tell me something particularly lame in the comments please refrain from doing so. I’ve heard it all before. I am not interested in people wanting to crucify me for something I have no control over so keep your crosses and the carrying thereof to yourselves, I need love and support not moralising.


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