Has anyone read Jack Kérouac’s on the road? well don’t bother, its unreadable, little punctuation, no paragraphs, truly totally eye bleedingly painful. But perhaps there is a little bit of that project in this blog? I am telling my soul to the internet ether, and I’m not stopping, not for convenience, not for people’s feelings, not even for Catholic dogma (which I deeply respect). I’m not dispensing the truth about anything other than the truth about me. The only thing I have any hope of attempting to understand.
But believe me it is not an easy task for me to understand myself, I’m adept at self deception. One thing you will have to do if you ever have a mental health issue, is fill in an absurd form where you tick boxes about how you think you feel. I have done it many times and the level of contempt I have for the process could be measured on the Richter scale. When I fill in the form I get a very different result to when someone asks me the questions and fills in the form for me. The moral of the story is, I AM A LIAR!
So what does this mean for my quest to tell you the truth? Well I like to wear pretty things! skirts, corsets, dresses, blouses, I have them all! I mean surely this isn’t surprising? I’ve admitted this all before haven’t I?
To Karl who commented on my last post. I will wear my pretty dress and be proud of who I am, of who I have always been since the age of eight. Why do you desire to throw the first stone or crucify me? As I say, I cannot separate myself physically or mentally from myself. And the entire point to my last post is that there is a lot more to human nature than biology. In fact biology is often the thing that breaks down first and is of the least importance, surely the martyrs proved that. Jesus said; the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. We are spiritual beings, emotional beings, psychological beings, sexual beings. Biology comes dead last.
This isn’t something that will just go away if I close my eyes and hum. I’ve tried all the pills, prayer, booze and denial in the world. Its time to face up to the truth! Joan of Arc had visions of Saints. The theologians determined to kill her decided that she didn’t, they couldn’t see into her head or heart, but they decided they were false. Eventually when they couldn’t prove heresy they burnt her alive for cross dressing, that this somehow symbolized apostasy. It doesn’t.