So then, yes my mental health has been making a turn for the worse, I blew off a couple of benefits meetings which will probably have dire consequences but I’m just not coping with virtually anything right now. Going to Mass on Sunday, and going to therapy on Monday seems the limit of what I’m capable of as I’ve said before, this always hits me around this time of year, the end of winter, when Seasonal Affective Disorder has well and truly sunk its teeth in and there seems to be little hope for the future. But just because I know what it is doesn’t mean I can handle it.
There’s a part in a Neal Stephenson thriller called Reamde, where an Islamic terrorist stages a diversionary attack on a Canadain/US border crossing point in order to sneak into the US in the middle of nowhere. The FBI liaison to an MI6 agent targeting this particular man tells her he knows its a diversion, but also says its going to work. Why? Because all the agents will be tasked with investigating the bombing because an attack of that scale has to be investigated as a high priority. So its left to this one agent, and a former Spetsnaz mafia enforcer she helped smuggle out of China for saving her life to stop this terrorist cell. The best military diversions are ones which work even if the enemy knows they are a diversion.
Through a great deal of therapy, I know the causes of my depression and the psychological roots of my transsexuality, I know how my mind is dysfunctional and most of the reasons as to why, yet I am still powerless to change it. The medication doesn’t seem to do anything to help. Doctors don’t seem to care and the benefits people certainly don’t. This crisis point is serving a purpose perhaps. Maybe its helping me accept my transsexuality. My mantra at the moment seems to be “to understand all is to forgive all”, easier said than done I know but its time to give it a shot.