The title for this blog post is how it feels like to be Catholic and queer. It is meant to be shocking and it is, as I have oh so slowly discovered, deeply wrong. That it can feel this way to be gay and Catholic is a damning indictment of the sins of Christians as a whole.
So then, I’m sure regular readers will not be surprised that I’m very ill at the moment, I went to stay with my parents for a week. Good food, pleasant surroundings and a lower booze intake is good for me, but you can’t leave your demons behind sadly. As I have said in previous posts, this downturn is prompting a religious epiphany.
It occurs to me that I do almost everything in my power to live in a fantasy world. My sexual fantasies, my gaming addiction, drink, obsessive newspaper reading to effect the delusion that my opinions on anything matter. Maybe even this blog is part of my great escape from reality?
So the question arises, what exactly am I running from? well there are two things. The first is that I’ve been ill for so long now, jobless, that I am essentially already on the scrapheap of life, and I’m not even thirty yet. I feel like a colossal failure and this makes coming to visit my parents very difficult. I am essentially depressed about being depressed.
The second is still quite obviously my sexuality. And with regard to that, I can either choose to hate God, or *shock horror* ignore the Church’s teaching about it!!!
Approximately one out of ten people are gay or bisexual. God made me that way, he holds us all in being. Whether it is by nature or nurture matters not a jot. Psychological reality is reality. God loves us. So then; Why would God stipulate that a tenth of the population of this planet live in misery?
Do people think God is happy for nine people out of ten to be romantically attracted to others but the tenth is for hellfire? that nine out of ten lovers can express their love physically but the tenth is for hellfire? heaven forfend if that tenth person finds a loving committed relationship, surely they should only be allowed to receive communion if they shag strangers in toilets. And the hellfire reserved for number ten if they want to be a parent… good grief, we can’t have them doing what 1 through 9 can rightfully do, that would just be sick. And if they want to publicly declare their commitment for their lover well that’s it, you might as well start stocking up on high factor sun-cream because you guessed it, its hellfire…
Believe me, I know all the arguments against homosexual acts and gay marriage, I’ve repeatedly espoused them myself, if you’ll excuse the pun. But I am bisexual, so by my Church’s teaching, whether I go to heaven or hell will essentially be determined by a coin flip, the random twists of fate that occur to determine meeting that significant other the majority of us crave.
For loving a woman I get a sacrament, for loving a man I will burn in hell. I have had enough of this lunacy. I am now at the stage of invincible ignorance. I am certain if I fall in love with a man it will not be a sin, if I express my love for him, it will not be a sin. If that love moves us to have sex with one another it will not be a sin. If we want to be committed to one another it will not be a sin. If we want to start a family it will not be a sin.
I’m not sure about gay marriage any more, whether the Catholic Church should get involved with it or not. But maybe in a thousand years it will finally appreciate gay people and their lovers enough to bless their relationships. (Which isn’t exactly gay marriage in my mind, but I’m sure the anti-gay marriage brigade will think such a thing a harbinger of the apocalypse…)
There was a very sharp question given to a BBC program ironically entitled free speech. A pretty drag queen asked “When will it be right to be gay and Muslim?” the cowardly communists decided to drop the question at the prompting of the mosque hosting their debate. How sad. Surely that question needs to be asked and answered in a Muslim environment more than anywhere else. (In an aside I want to kiss him/her, she/he is so very brave! that he describes himself as a drag queen doesn’t mean he is transsexual, but it is close enough for me to find his courage unbelievably hot!)
While I was ruminating on that it struck me. When will it be right to be gay and Catholic? The Catholic Church needs to admit the enormity of its institutionalised homophobia, past and present. The way it excuses its views to itself, tries to convince itself it isn’t homophobic as it does everything in its power to cleanse the pews of queers. I know the excuses, I’ve made them myself over and over again. But that is what they are to me now.
A good quarter of our priests are in the closet, maybe more, they live with this psychological millstone bearing down on them despite Jesus never mentioning homosexuality, no wonder so many are such a mess. We invented our sad rules on the issue and look at the knots it has tied us in. We have been building our own crosses with giddy abandon. I however will not crucify myself nor anyone else any more. To all the gay couples out there I wish you nothing but that you live happily ever after. Thank God it is God who will be our judge rather than the Church and that statement is a shocking indictment in itself.
To any traddies with itching fingers wanting to reply to this… well take a good long look at your heart first, I was just as traddy as you on the issue until very recently, now I wish I’d been slower in dishing out the judgement.
To any queer Catholics itching to tell me I’m wrong. I know what that is like, I have been you too, it is right to be gay and Catholic, stop torturing yourself and accept it, but failing that, keep your torture to yourself, there is enough pain in this world without spreading it around.
To any fellow queers I have been a burden to, I am so deeply sorry. I hope you can understand and forgive me, I have been so fucked up! I repent! please help me to accept myself! and pray for me a sinner.