Feeling down, feeling alone.

So then, even though I’ve had the joys of a board gaming club. I’ve been down these last two weeks. I’m sorry, but this blog post isn’t going to be a cheerful read. I’m not sure anyone reads these pages expecting a cheerful read these days anyway…

Firstly the situation of me getting to a state of severe angst regarding my transsexuality and being in the closet about it at Church has been really wearing me down. I’m not a very tough person. I feel like I need help to embrace my transsexuality from people who love me and that probably won’t be forthcoming from the people I know at my parish… Maybe I’m judging them too harshly, hopefully some would surprise me, but I’ve obliquely brought up the subject to test people’s views a number of times and lets just say, I think it would be rocky to say the least.

Last night I was chatting in the pub with the most libertarian Catholic I know, just me and him, a good opportunity to tell him, and I let it pass by. Once you tell someone you can’t take it back. You know that this knowledge will instantly and irrevocably change how they think of you and possibly how they interact with you. I think maybe they have an inkling that I’m a bit queer, my probing around the subject in conversation will have surely not gone amiss. But transsexuality will be a shock.

Another aspect of this, with perhaps more psychological weight, is what my immediate family thinks. My family love me, but they also want me to remain a brother or a son. It is natural that if I transition they might feel like they are losing me. I actually had a dream where my Mum embraced the fact of my transsexuality, and it was wonderful, then I woke up… and I was confronted with the fact that I think transitioning will break her heart.

My therapist talks about violence against parents, how psychologically we tie ourselves in knots to avoid the fact that sometimes we want things (sometimes of no fault of our own) which will hurt our parents. The guilt of this suppressed conflict causes depression, but also fosters an anger towards them that isn’t dependent on whether they’ve done anything to deserve it or not.

The second thing that has me down at the moment is the fact that I seem to be losing friends. Its very difficult being a depressed introvert to keep in contact with people. I always seem to have to contact them. I’m aware I’m not reading books, not watching films like I used to. Maybe I’ve become boring? maybe I’m too opinionated, argumentative or even angry online? Maybe coming out as transsexual is too much to handle? But very few people contact me these days.

Almost everyone I’ve known over the last few years has also had mental health problems of their own to deal with. I feel like I’m losing one particular friend to what I’m reasonably certain is a very depressed form of bipolar. One day they are up, the next down, the next day they lash out at me via text message. I don’t have the emotional reserves to soak that up right now, and even if I did, it can only go on so long before I seriously need to question whether the friendship is reciprocal or healthy. This isn’t the first time this has happened.

I’ve been in pretty abject depression about losing them as a friend, I am not exactly Mr popular at the moment with hundreds of friends beating down my door. If they sent me a text apologising I would feel relief but also a sense that I was simply getting back on the same merry-go-round where as soon as their mood takes a drop I’ll be on the receiving end again. Sometimes you have to let go of the people who hurt you no matter how hard it is and how much that person means to you.

If they are reading this, I’m sorry it seems to be ending this way, yes it could turn around, but that is up to whether they decide to make amends, and make the effort to hold back when the black moods come. Am I worth it? I don’t know, but I need friends who think so. I have told them many a time that they deserve happiness, I need to heed my own advice.

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