So then, big small news!
I went to my first queer Christian event. It was lovely. I mostly talked to the only man there (he is all partnered up so no boyfriend for me).
Anyway, yes, I had a lot of fantasies or fears about how I would cope, or wouldn’t. Wondering if there would be someone special there.
As it turned out, it was fine. The girl who organised the event is exceptionally attractive though, I have to constantly remind myself that whilst I may be transsexual I am currently residing in a very manly body and she is very much a lesbian. The only remotely realistically compatible person was her straight sister, and she is probably ten years younger than me at the least.
So yes, my fantasy of finding someone lovely to keep me warm at night is not going to happen. Probably ever. That’s all we ever want really isn’t it? A marriage is just the desire to have the same person keep you warm every night. I don’t know why we over think it sometimes.
Anyway, yes it was a lovely social, a short three mile walk, then a few pints at the very pub Dick Turpin was captured. I managed to get some sunshine and this last couple of weeks I’ve been getting out of the flat more. Its been totally exhausting. People think I am laid back, but the amount of control I have to exert over myself to put that act on leaves me bed ridden the next day. My illness is very much hidden.
I had a phone conversation with the benefits people yesterday. That alone totally freaked me out. They will never understand what I go through. How difficult it is for me to deal with their BS. The nasty little things they imply, the way they know I am ill but they don’t give a shit.
They have no idea what a herculean effort it takes me to ring strangers… the anxiety, then the hours of feeling awful afterwards. Ronald Reagan had a great saying “the nine most terrifying words in the English language are ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help’.” He couldn’t have been more right.