So then, another week, another incredibly intense therapy session, but I’m going to resist the urge to drink this time. Its hard to know what to say really, lots of probing into the dark corners of my psyche is unpleasant but its also getting to the roots of my depression.
These next days, weeks and months I’ve decided to try and constantly compliment myself. This narcissism is a medical necessity in my case, because usually what I do instead is constantly berate myself. I’ve been giving myself an internal torrent of abuse for so long now and the process is so ingrained that I need to do the exact opposite. So yes, if anyone catches me telling myself how pretty and clever I am that’s why.
Only after I’ve got over this self destructive drive of mine will I be able to get over myself. An aspect of loving your neighbour as yourself is that it is very hard to love your neighbour when you hate yourself, advice I dole out to others but desperately need to apply to myself.
This brings me back to the transactional model of psychoanalysis. That at the moment everything I think is based upon “You’re ok, I’m not ok”. I need to get to the eminently healthier place of “you’re ok, I’m ok”. So I want you to know, if you are reading this, you are wonderful.
Now then. Onto other news. I’ve discovered some interesting mint sweets that supposedly suppress appetite. (What’s that internal voice? “but you’re so pretty!”) I know its hard to believe but I could actually use losing a bit of weight.
They are only to be taken to resist snacking. A couple of days ago I went shopping when I was hungry, and I came back with Gold chocolate bars (which are like cocaine in their addictive properties!) Kellogs pop tarts. Crumpets. A premium pork pie. Crisps. Everything. I obviously needed cheering up. But I also got these thingies (£2.50 a packet, eep) but I’ve just taken one and I’ve resisted the urge to snack for a full ten minutes now so they must work. (What’s that internal voice? “you’re so clever!”)
In really creepy internet news, Facebook did an experiment on 700,000 unknowing victims, changing what appeared in their news feeds and seeing if a reduction in positive news stories led to that person posting less positive messages themselves. As someone who suffers from the blight of mental illness, it is glaringly obvious that this is DEEPLY DEEPLY unethical.
That a person thought there was no problem with this idea is deeply worrying, but that they could pitch this idea to a wider group at a mega corporation and they could sign off on it is staggering.
Its another conspiracy theory that has turned out to be true, and I think it ranks right up there with the CIA heart attack gun and the US military’s plan to cause terrorist attacks on US citizens to create a reason to invade Cuba, that JFK had to fire the joint chiefs of staff over.
This is deeply sinister and shows that our lives and thoughts can be manipulated by faceless corporations like never before. We walk around with mobile phones, any one of which can be used as an electronic tag. This is not paranoia, its a well known fact.
Do we really trust the groups of people, like Facebook, Google, GCHQ, MI5/6 who could totally destroy our lives if they had the whim to do so? How can we trust these groups when Facebook has just proven so clearly that it doesn’t know right from wrong, it doesn’t have the foggiest.